I became deeply aware of the difference between having a roof over your head and feeling at home when in 2011 I met a young mother whose husband, an officer in the military, had shot himself on the front lawn of their $250,000-plus home while she and their children were inside.
He seemed to have everything to live for: the love of a good woman, three healthy children, financial success, stature in the civilian and military community and a place to call home. But what does it really mean to be “at home”?
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I sold real estate in the past and have also worked as a home builder and a decorator. I helped others make a brick-and-mortar house feel like a home. But although colors, textures and design matter, it is really the people inside and the memories they make that transform the structure from house to home.
I guess you could say I am still a home builder and decorator because of my work with our military and veterans. Though many do have a physical place to call home, they are missing the accessories — the pieces in their lives that allow them to find laughter and lightheartedness, interest in activities, comfort and familiarity, a sense of safety and trust that new memories can be made. They don’t believe the pieces of themselves they left behind and the pieces that remain can be brought together cohesively to bring beauty and peace to their human spirit where they feel at home with themselves.
Many people think veterans don’t feel comfortable with others and want to be left alone, so there is a lot of discussion about isolating veterans in structures or villages as a solution to some of their “issues.” So, they are built. There is also a lot of talk about how jobs are the main solution for veterans’ issues with reintegration in their communities. So we have job fair after job fair with nowhere near the success rate we should see based on dollars spent.
We may get veterans employed, but do they remain employed and are their lives changed long-term? Have their spirits been healed? These types of generalized, fix-it-fast solutions seldom succeed in reintegrating the veteran with himself or herself. And that, my friends, is the missing piece. It would be like building a home with no front door.
Our veteran reintegration process must help veterans feel at home with the people they are today and build on that to become who they want to be tomorrow, next year and 10 years from now. The ability for veterans to reach out for services and make lifelong changes is diminished if they never feel at home with themselves. Programs to help families will never resolve relational issues if the veteran has a broken relationship with his or her own spirit. Programs that aim to stop suicides will not be as effective if we only seek to solve the “act” and not the lack of services to match needs, which leads to feeling a black hole after hope is gone.
It isn’t easy to build a house. But with skilled workers and a great blueprint, one can go from houseless to housed within six months or so. But the blueprint to make that house a home is not so easily mapped out. It isn’t about skilled trades; it is the emotions, the life skills, the past experiences that add to the beauty rather than distract, like the ability to bring just the right antique into a modern home and have it fit right in. To bring our veterans all the way home, they have to love themselves.
They have to make peace with their pasts and find a purpose for their futures. I am a home builder for veterans. You can be too. It is what we do at The Arms Forces and it is the right thing to do for all generations of veterans.
Nov. 11 is Veterans Day. Beyond saying “Happy Veterans Day,” let’s spend time this year with a veteran and get to know his or her story without judgment or preconceived ideas of what they need or what they did or why they did it.
Let’s spend time getting to know the person behind the labels. Let’s reach out as one human being to another, not veteran to civilian or civilian to veteran. Let’s pursue what the human spirit is capable of as we drive down the barriers and lift up the possibilities.
Imagine the difference you could make, but also imagine the difference those you reach out to can make in your life. I know. I am blessed!
Pam Hays is president and founder of The Arms Forces, www.thearmsforces.org; (419) 891-2111; Facebook.com/thearmsforces.
