“I’m Jerry Anderson.”
“And I’m Lee Conklin. Welcome to WTOLWTVGWUPWNWO’s coverage of the 2015 Glass City Hunger Games!”
Anderson: “Indeed, Lee, and this is the third annual contest, which was initiated in 2012 by Toledo Free Press Editor in Chief Michael Miller, just before his tragic death in that incident at the Tim Hortons drive-thru.”
Conklin: “That was a glaze-covered tragedy, but his legacy lives on in this adaptation of the Hunger Games, in which Toledo’s leaders face off in a battle to the death, all for our entertainment.”
Anderson: “Now, we should stress that the competitors are actually using avatars, so there will be no true harm or injury to the actual people involved.”
Conklin: “That’s right, Jerry. To remind viewers of our premise, we have 24 participants from districts in Northwest Ohio. They will compete in an atmosphere-controlled dome with weapons supplied by sponsors, in a battle to the death. The sole winner in this live, televised tournament will receive a Tony Packo’s gift basket, stock in First Solar, an autographed Crystal Bowersox CD and absolute ruling power over the enslaved citizens of our region until the 2016 Glass City Hunger Games.”
Anderson: “Minor problems in the dome today as the solar panels that power the lighting are flickering, but everything seems to be working now. We’ve already seen the parade and interviewed our combatants, so we’re just seconds away from the battle. Let’s go down to the field and hear from Chrys Peterson and Diane Larson, who were genetically fused into one anchor after our recent media merger.”
Conklin: “Great story of corporate synergy there, Jerry, especially when you remember that they used elements of Shaun Hegarty to give Chrys and Diane that ginger glow.”
Chrys/Diane: “We’re here before the big battle begins, with Councilman Tom Waniewski and 2014 Hunger Games champion, State Rep. Michael Ashford. Michael, how do you rate the competition this year?”
Ashford: “I respect the competition, especially Vice President Joe the Plumber, who knows how to use so many of these tools of destruction. I am hoping he exits early but he’s been underestimated before.”
Chrys/Diane: “Tom, there was a great deal of criticism of the violence in last year’s games, and you were at the heart of that when you decapitated former mayor Carty Finkbeiner with that Imagination Station bookmark.”
Waniewski: “As you know, Chrys/Diane, I am opposed to this travesty of an event, but I’m not afraid to get my hands dirty to win it for the people of this city.”
(Cannon booms)
Anderson: “And this just in, before the games even begin we have an early exit, as Councilman Phil Copeland has been disqualified for not showing up to compete.”
Conklin: “Not really a surprise, Jerry, but there may be more news as Councilman George Sarantou just stole Copeland’s supply of nightlock berries to make baklava. If he eats those berries, he’ll be out before the games begin!”
Anderson: “Ah, but look, Lee, George is offering those nightlock baklava desserts to Lucas County Commissioners Carol Contrada and Pete Gerken. They may see it as a sign of alliance, but, oh, oh, there it is, both commissioners took a bite and are now writhing in agony on the ground, foaming at the mouth.”
Conklin: “Let’s get a close-up shot of that for the viewers at home.”
Anderson: “Three contestants gone and we haven’t heard the opening bell yet!”
Conklin: “Speaking of Bell, the mayor looks ready for combat in his Chinese brigandine, practicing his wushu moves. (Trumpets blare) And the 2015 Glass City Hunger games have officially begun!”
Anderson: “The 21 remaining combatants are racing toward the cornucopia, which contains weapons, water and food items … Oh! Councilman D. Michael Collins just impaled Lindsay Webb with the sharp edge of a metal ‘tornado shelter’ sign!”
Conklin: “Yes, Jerry, it looks like Webb’s avatar is going to bleed to death on the field, which is ironic when you think about the depleted blood supply in Northwest Ohio as the Red Cross union strike enters its fourth year.”
Anderson: “On the other side of the field, Councilman Joe McNamara and Sen. Edna Brown are going at it, punching and kicking and throwing down in a ballot box rematch!”
Conklin: “It’s the kind of bloody battle that makes these games draw the big ratings, Jerry, and look at that! Brown just knocked McNamara to the ground, but he is still taking swings and trying to get the best of her.”
Anderson: “He’s a scrapper, no question. Brown is moving in for the kill, but she better watch out, because sneaking up behind her is Rep. Marcy Kaptur.”
Conklin: “Oh! Kaptur was just about to plant a knitting needle in Edna Brown’s back when Edna ducked, and McNamara ninja-tossed 200 American flag pins right toward Kaptur’s avatar’s jugular!”
Anderson: “Amazing, Lee, but as Kaptur hit the ground, a wig and mask fell off to reveal former County Commissioner Ben Konop! Sneaky way to get into these games!”
Conklin: “And look, more than 50 of McNamara’s ninja pins have flown across the field, mowing down politicians like a tornado cutting through a trailer park! Down goes Teresa Fedor! Tyrone Riley falls! Down goes Steve Steel! Sherrod Brown is out!”
Anderson: “A stunning development! Mike Craig is down! Bob Latta falls! Paula Hicks-Hudson is down! Waniewski staggers near Sarantou, but as they head for shelter for weapons — it looks like Sarantou was reaching for a rhino horn — Rob Ludeman takes them both out with a Danberry Realty sign! It’s a GOP meltdown! What a mess — it’s too bad avatars don’t qualify for domestic partner benefits and health care.”
Conklin: “And the Gamekeeper has released a wild card! There’s a lanky towheaded Tracker Jacker wildly dancing and brandishing a blade, but no one seems to be paying attention to him. His blade just doesn’t seem to be intimidating anyone. Oh — the Tracker Jacker just fell and impaled himself.”
Anderson: “Lee, I see an alliance of Adam Martinez, Tina Skeldon Wozniak, Rob Portman and Anita Lopez trying to make a break for the woods, but Ashford was waiting in a tree with a crossbow and he’s picking them off one by one!”
Conklin: “Let’s go to Chrys/Diane, reporting from the field.”
Chrys/Diane: “It’s a bloodbath down here, as a camouflaged Clerk of Courts Bernie Quilter just rose out of the woods and started racing through the field, cracking heads with his bare hands! He took Ashford’s crossbow and pushed him out of the tree! Now he’s shooting arrows like a demented Cupid! McNamara is out! Edna Brown is out! He’s taken out all the survivors! Bernie Quilter may be our winner!”
Conklin: “But wait, we only count 22 avatar bodies on the field. Someone is missing … Look! As Quilter steps around the bodies, Mike Bell rides into the arena on a motorcycle and runs Quilter through with chopsticks! It looks like Bell will win the 2015 Glass City Hunger Games!”
(Solar panel lights flicker and go out, plunging the arena into darkness)
Conklin: “We’ll have to wait for the lights to come back on to interview the 2015 champion.”
(Lights flicker and turn on)
Anderson: “That’s better! Now we can talk to Bell about his stunning victory! But wait! D. Michael Collins has pulled himself from the carnage and is challenging Bell!”
Conklin: “It’s a life-and-death battle for a Tony Packo’s gift basket, stock in First Solar, an autographed Crystal Bowersox CD and absolute control over us all! Collins is swinging and lunging with his tornado shelter sign, but Bell’s Changquan practice is paying off.”
Anderson: “Collins just won’t go away, he’s making his Marine legacy proud, but Bell is brandishing a qiang. He must have ice water in his veins, because he is approaching Collins like Clint Eastwood in an old Western movie!”
Conklin: “Bell is just brushing aside Collins’ strikes! He’s taken the qiang and … oh!”
Bell (facing Collins): “Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, *****! I toll for thee.”
Anderson: “Oh my! Collins is down! Bell is the 2015 Hunger Games champion! Let’s cut to Chrys/Diane.”
Chrys/Diane: “Mike, congratulations! That was a great strategy, staying above the fray until the last minute!”
Bell: “Thanks, Chrys/Diane! I credit my Harley and the teachings of Wushu Master Liu Xiao Ling. As my first act, I’m going to free all the citizens of Northwest Ohio and restore respect and cooperation into our political process. Hey, you two don’t look comfortable sewn together like that. Want me to put you out of your misery?”
Chrys/Diane: “Would you, please?”
(Bell raises the qiang)
Chrys/Diane: “This is Chrys Petersen … and Diane Larson … signing off.”
Conklin: “Well, Jerry, it looks like the 2015 Glass City Hunger Games are going to bring long-awaited freedom to Northwest Ohio.”
Anderson: “At least for one year, Lee. At least for one year.”
(Solar panel lights flicker)
Michael S. Miller is editor in chief of Toledo Free Press and Toledo Free Press Star.
Cover illustration by Don Lee.
