Minimizing stress on children during the holidays
The statistics for children with separated parents are astounding: In the United States, 50 percent of children will witness a separation of their parents. In addition, 25 million children are growing up in single parent homes. That’s 40 percent of the kids in the U.S., as reported by the Center for Children and Families.
The holiday season is quickly approaching, and for me personally, there is an added stress. Although it is often good stress, the planning, preparing, shopping and cleaning is still taxing. For some households, added to that chaos are the complications of co-parenting and children spending time in multiple homes for the holidays. Many parents will ask me how to handle all of this so they (the children) have a good holiday season.
The difficulties children experience in single parent homes are many, but they can be minimized if both parents work together. In the real world, families, no matter how defined, have conflicts. Stress and disagreements are common, and it is destructive to the family when those conflicts get out of hand. Children are often caught in the middle with devastating effects.
Children caught in the middle of parental conflict experience increased anxiety and depression; they often feel like it is their fault. If they would have been better kids, their parents would still be together, or would not fight. When parents argue, especially about money, children often feel like they are a burden.
So, that leads us to how parents can co-parent well and minimize the effects on their children. Here are some suggestions:
- Be consistent. Both parents need to be specific with each other about what their rules and expectations are for the children. Then they need to come to a compromise and parent with the same rules and discipline. Make sure it is reasonable and something both parents can live with.
- Communication is the most important parenting skill, regardless of whether parents are married. Parents need to commit to talking about every issue regarding their children. Children should not be a part of the conversation; it should be done in private. It may also be helpful to set up a routine where there is weekly communication to keep each other informed and prevent conflict. Another important key is not to talk poorly about the other parent in front of the child. This puts the child in a position of choosing between parents.
- Work on conflict resolution. When parents argue rather than resolving the problem amicably, a power struggle often begins. This leaves one parent often giving in, causing a buildup of anger and resentment. The cycle usually repeats itself with frustration and anger from the previous conflicts resurfacing, adding to the present conflict. This then leaves a buildup of animosity that the children feel.
This is not a healthy. Along with communication, as mentioned above, parents need to learn conflict resolution. According to the American Management Association, the 5 steps to conflict resolution are:
- Define the source of the conflict (listen to each other)
- Look beyond the incident (don’t blame each other; identify the facts)
- Request solutions (give suggestions, don’t just complain)
- Identify solutions both can support (compromise)
- Agree (making sure you have taken into account the other person’s feelings)
The way parents handle the conflict is how your child learns to manage disagreements. Children will watch your behavior more than what you say. The old saying holds true: actions speak louder than words.
A relationship involves two people; it is not one sided. If parents are having conflicts and difficulties, it will disrupt the entire family, and then the children will suffer. The younger the children, the more time you have to build a foundation that enables them to have healthy relationships within and outside of the family.
Don’t waste precious time. Enjoy the holidays and make memories your children will be able to keep with them for a lifetime.
