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The world is currently accepting applications for the position of father. To qualify:
- You must own attire that can be unceremoniously decorated with baby-created bodily fluids.
- You cannot be afraid to dress and brush the hair of an American Girl doll.
- You must be willing to play catch every day for the rest of your life. Knowing how to throw a curveball is a plus.
- You must be able to cook hot dogs, macaroni and cheese and chicken nuggets, every day for years. Ability to watch others dip anything in ketchup is a plus.
- You must have the patience to build various luxurious items that Barbie may own. Possessing the patience to apply tiny stickers is a plus.
- You must be eager to attend countless talent shows, featuring participants with more enthusiasm than talent.
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- You must be good at designing Pinewood Derby cars so that people believe your son built them.
- You must have a fine palate for such tastes as imaginary tea and cookies or anything created in plastic kitchens.
- You must be willing to look under beds and inside closets for monsters. Be able to kill bugs and spiders upon demand.
- You must on occasion believe that floors are temporarily filled with flowing hot lava and couch cushions are the only thing keeping you alive and safe.
- You must be competent using the following software: Angry Birds, Minecraft, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter.
- You must be able to medically treat boo-boos, bumps and bruises, even if they cannot be seen by the human eye.
- You must speak and comprehend the following languages: Baby, Toddler, Tween, Attitude, More Attitude, Heartbreak and Moron. Being able to read body language and use emoticons is a plus.
- You must read to your child every night for 30 minutes, in hopes that one day they will start reading to you.
- You must be able to tone down your awesome sauce in the event your child has company.
- You must be good at being found and bad at finding.
- You must eventually accept the remote possibility that a boy may text.
- You must know what to say when a girl says “no.”
- You must know how to properly hug, so that the other participant never wants you to let go.
- You must not be afraid to cry or to say “I love you.”
- You must be able to accept any version of your child, including their sexual orientation.
- You must be a good example of someone you wish your child to become or to one day marry.
- You must teach love over hate, acceptance over intolerance and compassion and understanding, no matter the views you were raised with and surrounded by. You must do better than your parents, even if that seems impossible.
- You must never quit nor walk away. You must never give up on your child.
- You must be fully ready to accept the most important job a man can ever have. There are no days off, no pay raises and very few vacations. You will be paid in kisses within months of starting. If you can accept this payment arrangement, in lieu of pension you will receive a lifetime of happiness, adoration and unwavering, unapologetic love.
If you were not deterred by any of the above mentioned items and meet these minimal requirements, then you are qualified and ready to be a dad.
Good luck to all future applicants. For those who are already on the job, Happy Father’s Day
Jeremy Baumhower can be reached at jeremytheproducer@icloud.com or on Twitter @jeremytheproduc.
